How do you solve a problem like Heather?

There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction – Winston Churchill


Living alone leaves a lot of time for reflection. This new move will be something good for me; I know it will… but had been left with a wee bit of hesitation. I have never lived alone; I’ve never really been alone in general for any prolonged amount of time. Why? It’s probably because I don’t like it. However, it is a much needed change. It was, of course, a tough decision to make. I did not want to have to move away from my best friend, but I think I had begun to lose myself. It sounds cliché but it is true. I started to wonder who I was, what was I doing with my life, was this person that I had become me? The answer is yes and no. I was still under all the layers of stress, drama, goofiness, etc. It is now time to focus on myself. What are my needs, wants, etc…? Figure out my future, look after my health, and most of all fix the mistakes that I’ve made and the relationships that I have strained.

We always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but we never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry. – Author Unknown

Something that really made me realize that I had begun to lose myself was the way had I become so flippant with my responsibilities to myself and others, most especially to my friends. I have been raised to keep promises and this is something that I have followed for many years… until college and post-college. I began picking and choosing what promises/dates/events I’d keep/attend and which I’d dismiss. This is not me…

“Hey, come on over for so-and-so’s birthday/graduation/going away/holiday party!” -Friend A.

“Oh yea! I will totally be there!” –Me.


*Day of get together*


“Hey, I can’t come… *insert random excuse here*. I’m sorry! But let’s hang out on ______?” –Me.

I guess you can call me a flake, a bad friend, or whatever you want to title it. But to be honest, I had have a problem. I don’t see the joy in going to those things, I feel like an outsider, I feel like I’m not really wanted there, or I just don’t feel like being social or putting forth the effort. I know, I’ve been a shit friend to a lot of people in the past few years and I’m apologizing. I have missed milestones in my friends’ lives (though I don’t know if some of you even still consider me a friend.) I’ve placed blame on others for the mistakes and messes that I have made in my relationships, but it’s partially my fault too. I don’t want to be disliked; I have a think where I want everyone to like me and I spend time feeling completely self conscious until I know that people like me… I feel that the list of people that dislike me outweighs the people that do like me at this point in my life. This is all due to the poor decisions I’ve made and the friends that I have let down; it hurts me. If I have wronged you, I hope that you can forgive me.

We all lose friends... We lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz